When in Rome: Adventures at Suite Sistina

You can take the girl out of Dusseldorf, but you can’t take Dusseldorf out of the girl…

OK. That’s not entirely true. And it sounds a lot better with “Texas.”

But pull me out of Germany, put me in Rome and my comfort bubble’s going to POP. Just as I was starting to adjust to life in a new country that’s rooted by rules and order, we took a 180 and planted ourselves right in the throbbing heart of a city in Italy where anything goes: ROME.

After dodging all kinds of up-in-your-face offers for overpriced cab rides, we hopped in a taxi with a fifth-generation Italian who carted us through the organized chaos (Chad, you are so right!) that is ROMA. I held my breath and grasped the seats like I did when we were in Beijing.

Motor bikes, mini cars and taxis were plowing their way through narrow cobbled alleyways. Motorists love ignoring street signs, and they come inches away from pedestrians.

Thankfully, our driver was hilarious. Well, his words got terribly lost in his accent, but he still had us laughing…laughing off the anxiety of whether we were really going to make it to Suite Sistina.

But, contrary to Rome’s startling accident stats, we successfully made it to this adorable spot.

But this time, another adventure awaited.

When we were escorted up to floor IV and let into a room named “Curve Pericolose” (which I later found means “Dangerous Curves”), THIS was happening:

Ah, yes. The heat was cranked to 78 degrees Fahrenheit, weird music was playing, and there was a rotating disco ball…above the bathtub.

But wait…it gets better.

It was steps away from the BED:

But wait…there’s more.

What to our wandering eyes did appear on that sexy, circular bed over there?

Not rose petals, my curious lovers…

No way, Jose! But these, instead:

Ummm…this is more scandalous than any honeymoon setup I’ve ever seen, heard of, or, let’s get real for a second: wanted.

I mean, I know our two-year anniversary was approaching, but we’re not those people. (TMI? Have we got it all wrong?? LOL!)

I know for a fact that David booked this place with two priorities in mind: location and a stellar package deal. We scored flights, this hotel and a tour guide for a pretty good price.

We didn’t get wind of the scandalous side of Suite Sistina until we got an introduction email from the owner that I accidentally forwarded to my MOM saying, “Look at how cute and accommodating this place is going to be!”

Here’s the email:

Hello David,

We would love to know some details to make your room more fitting to your taste….

How do you imagine the soundtrack of your vacation? Jazz, rock, ambient….
On what temperature would you like to find your room? From 0 to 100 degrees…

Our breakfast has a high rate of calorie and coddling, but we also take care of those who prefer vegetarian, gluten free, low calorie….

Would you like to: Have a candle light dinner in our room? A refreshing massage without even getting up from your bed? Do a wild shopping with a personal shopper? A new look to your hair and nails? Winning the lottery?

… And of course if you need a ride from the airport just give us a whistle and we’ll arrange it for you.

If you are coming by car we can suggest you a private parking very close to our Hotel, the name and address is “Parking Ludovisi” in Via Ludovisi 60, it’s open until 1 AM and it’s not necessary to reserve it.

Lastly, and we promise this will be the last information, we attached herein our Sexy Menu created in collaboration with Zou Zou Sensual Entertainment where you can choose your favourite hot and spicy game.

We remind you that our reception is in via Sistina 54, located in an ancient building of which its particular architectural design cannot accommodate an installation of a lift.

Ciao,

Antonio

She sent back the emoji where the monkey’s covering his eyes and said, “That is SOME hotel! I saw the menu.”

The menu?? OH, NO. My stomach sunk. Should I have read that email in complete detail before forwarding to my mother? OH, YES.

Gosh, I just thought this Antonio guy was oh-so-charismatic and that maybe their food was so delicious he called it sexy. Eh? (Italians are great sales people, you know. And please note: In my skimming, I failed to see the words “ZouZou Sensual Entertainment.”)

I saw “hot and spicey game” and thought this PDF menu pertained to food. Mmm…elk. Bahaha!! Nalp. Different kind of game at Suite Sistina, so, when I opened the attached PDF for myself, I…I died.

All I’m going to say is this: There were options of things to order from the Sexy Menu that you, your mother, or any other member of your family need NOT discuss. Bahahahahahahaaa! I’m blushing again.

ALL silliness aside, after days of custom breakfasts being served in our room (as late as we wanted and heart-shaped sugar cubes for coffee to boot), hand-drawn Post-its with the following day’s weather forecast, no disturbing stories to report, a very friendly staff, stellar WiFi, sleeping in the most comfortable bed on the planet and a truly amazing location that allowed us to walk to almost evvverything, I took back my decision to supervise David’s future hotel bookings.

After all, I really would recommend this hotel for what it was for us. I guess it’s good to always be prepared for what it could be for others, eh? Just don’t stay here with a family member…or business partner. The End.